To make this year's Christmas tree the best one yet, your tree trimming's gotta go beyond plain old balls. It has to have actual...well, you get the idea. Instead, outfit your "royal Tannenbaum" with some of these cheeky, charming ornaments, ready and waiting for you on Amazon, Etsy and other online emporiums of holiday cheer.
Shaped into snowmen and stars, these compact discs are definitely much nicer to look at than they ever were strewn all over the front passenger seat of our car. A good use for all those so-late-'90s compact discs. It's a Christmas miracle! Now if only someone could figure out how to turn that infuriating labyrinth of power cords underneath our desk into a festive tinsel garland.
Bah humbug to "three" kings -- there can only be one "King"! Without this thumb-sized Elvis replica adoring your tree, you'll definitely have a blue Christmas. Or give tiny Elvis as a gift and wait for the inevitable, "Uh-thank you. Uh-thank you very much."
This fun ornament is a good way to find out how drunk your family is come Christmas night. After dinner, secretly rearrange the tiles to spell "DARE SATAN" and see if anyone notices. (If anyone goes too far and actually starts daring Satan, immediately douse them with eggnog while shoving the baby-Jesus figurine from your nativity scene in his or her blasphemous face.)
Of course, what would make this mini-Jager ornament truly clever is if it contained actual Jagermeister. Because the relatives are starting to catch on to our traditional Christmas-Day-flask-of-booze hiding spot (under Grandma's Santa hat).
Apologies in advance that 'Feliz Navidad' will now be stuck in your head clear through New Year's. But, come on -- 'Police Navidad'! How funny is that? Considering all the lame puns that typically pass for holiday humor ("What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic!"), this one oughta make you laugh 'til your belly shakes like a bowl full of jelly.
Anatomically correct Ginger-woman 'pornament'
Your letchy uncle will say something gross, his embarrassed (third) wife will throw a passive-aggressive mini-conniption, and your grad student cousin will go off on how this tree trimming signifies the latent misogyny present in modern-day patriarchal society. Who would've guessed that one mongo-bongo'd cookie ornament could cause so much fun family drama?
We know what you're thinking. "Dude, I could totally make that myself." Allow us to grant you a look at Christmas Future: You can't and you never will. The simple, yet complicated design will haunt you forever. You'll abandon friends and family in pursuit of creating the perfect Light-ning bug ornament. Heed our words! Don't be a Scrooge. Buy it now before it's too late.
If someone in your family insists on hanging balls this year, at least let them be these clever, trompe-l'oeil billiard balls. Complete with cue ball and packaged in a nifty "rack," they're a fun "break" from run-of-the-mill trimmings. What? Get your mind out of the gutter. It's Christmas.