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Totally Legit Oscar Predictions From a Person Who Saw None of the Movies

Oscar Picks
Getty Images / TheFW

Okay, so maybe once again I accidentally didn’t watch any of the movies that were nominated for Oscars. That doesn’t mean I don’t have some predictions up my sleeve. I’m pretty good at this, so you should take me at least as seriously as that cross-eyed possum from a few years ago. This is what you can expect to happen on Sunday.


Because everybody loved Michelle Williams so much last year, this year everybody is going to really hate Michelle Williams.

 
 

We wouldn't want her to get too comfortable.

 
Ethan Miller, Getty Images
Ethan Miller, Getty Images

Nick Nolte's crow will steal Beyonce's tiara.

 
 

Beyonce is going to wear a tiara. And Nick Nolte's crow is going to steal it.

 
TheFW
TheFW

After a very confusing wardrobe malfunction, everyone will see somebody's private bits.

 
 

Our money's on Seth MacFarlane, only nobody will take our bet.

 
Frank Micelotta, Getty Images
Frank Micelotta, Getty Images

When 'Argo' wins Best Picture, Ben Affleck will do his impersonation of Cuba Gooding, Jr.'s speech again.

 
 

Sorry. The last time I watched the Oscars was 15 years ago.

 
Getty Images
Getty Images

Jennifer Hudson will barf on Glenne Headly's cleavage.

 
 

And the weird part will be what is Glenne Headly doing at the Oscars?

 
Jason Merritt, Getty Images
Jason Merritt, Getty Images

Daniel Day Lewis will give his Oscar to Abraham Lincoln's actual skeleton.

 
 

He's that devoted to his craft, you guys.

 
Thinkstock
Thinkstock

Angelina Jolie is going to wear two pieces of fabric that are just safety pinned together at the top.

 
 

But the safety pins will be made out of platinum, so it's totally cool.

 
Ethan Miller, Getty Images
Ethan Miller, Getty Images

'Silver Linings Playbook' Director David O. Russell is going to be a total jerk, win or lose.

 
 

Not really a prediction. Just a statement of fact.

 
Paul A. Hebert, Getty Images
Paul A. Hebert, Getty Images

That 'Life of Pi' tiger will eat Uggie.

 
 

Was that tiger real? I didn't see that movie. Although, for some reason when I went to see 'Prometheus' (I know, I know) the trailer for it played like three times in a row, and it was the most entertaining thing that happened that night.

 
Kevork Djansezian, Getty Images
Kevork Djansezian, Getty Images

It doesn't matter who wins the Oscar, Jennifer Lawrence is still the winner.

 
 

She's like Hansel.

Hansel Is So Hot Right Now GIF

 

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