Say what you want to about Valentine's Day, it is an excuse to buy a three pound box of chocolates and a double-sized bottle of white wine and not have to share it with anybody. But what to do while you're picking through your Whitman's Sampler and pouring yourself Texas-sized glasses of pinot grigio? Why not just admit you're going to watch television?
Here are some great Valentine's Day episodes that are seasonally appropriate but won't make you cry. Because everyone knows that nothing ruins a glass of wine faster than salty, salty tears.
'Anna Howard Shaw Day' '30 Rock' Season 4, Episode 13
Instead of Valentine's Day, Liz Lemon celebrates the birthday of suffragette Anna Howard Shaw, then gets a root canal and has some great post-dentist hallucinations featuring her exes as female Jamaican dental assistants.
'Put Your Head on My Shoulder''Futurama' Season 2, Episode 7
Things heat up between Amy and Fry, but fizzle out as Valentine's Day approaches. In an unfortunate twist, Fry has to have his head attached to Amy's body after a car accident. Also, Bender becomes a pimp.
'A Charlie Brown Valentine'
Maybe go for a classic this year, and watch 'A Charlie Brown Valentine.' Seriously, Charlie Brown feels at least as miserable and pathetic as we do. Plus, we can dance, so we've got that on him.
'Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered''Buffy' Season 2, Episode 16
Xander casts a love spell on Cordelia for revenge. What could possibly go wrong? Oh, only everything.
'Dateless in Seattle''Full House' Season 8, Episode 17
We're basically just recommending this one for Derek's line "I love these aggressive women of the '90s." You've basically just watched the best part of this episode.
'Parks and Recreation' Season 2, Episode 1
We hope you celebrate Galentine's Day, the day before Valentine's that you spend with your best gals, or else you're really missing out. Why, yes this IS available on Netflix, since you asked.
'Valentine's Day''The Office' Season 2, Episode 17
Here are a few scenes you won't see if you watch this episode of 'The Office.' Fortunately, the entire series is on Netflix and Hulu Plus, so you can watch the whole thing if you have either of those. How's that wine coming along?
'My Funky Valentine''Modern Family' Season 1, Episode 15
Ridiculous role playing coupled with the awkwardness of your dad catching you wearing nothing but an overcoat coupled with how terrifying it would be to get said coat stuck in an escalator make this a great Valentine's Day episode of television. Like, at least those things probably won't happen to you.
'I Love Lisa''The Simpsons' Season 4, Episode 15
Awwww, what a classic. Poor little Ralph gets his heart ripped in half, and we all learn to keep our fingers out of our noses. Definitely a Valentine's Day episode for the ages.