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13 Reasons Why You Won’t Be Getting a Mother’s Day Gift

Toby Canham, Getty Images

Mother’s Day is just around the corner. That means if you haven’t done so already, now is the time to start figuring out how you’re gonna win your mom’s affection, or if you’re the mother, how you’re gonna guilt your children into showing them how much they care about you.

Some mommies, however, won’t be getting a gift or brunch in bed and not because their kids forgot that it’s Mother’s Day. They remembered, but still didn’t get them anything. Here are some reasons why you or a mom you know might be in the latter group.

1. You insisted that your kid stop lying around the house and get a job, despite the fact they couldn’t walk or talk yet.

2. They still haven’t paid their tab from all the times you made them meals, prepared their bottles and breastfed them.

3. You’ve won the Mother of the Year Award… from the Joan Crawford Fan Club.

4. You put your kids through college with the residuals you earned from your appearances on ‘COPS.’

5. Your kid took out a restraining order against you before they were born.

6. You’re the “Octomom.”

7. The only thing you gave your children for a college graduation present was a framed copy of their tuition bill.

8. The last time they took you out to eat on Mother’s Day, you remarked, “It might be pricy but it’s no Denny’s.”

9. The only sacrifice you ever made for your children was part of a satanic ritual.

10. The story you tell most about your children is the time their diaper fell down in public… when they were 35.

11. You forgot your kids’ birthdays but always remembered the ones for your pet iguana.

12. Your record for parent-teacher conferences consisted of 26 wins, 13 by knockout.

13. You charged your kids rent for when they were living in the womb.

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