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Things on Etsy You Shouldn’t Buy for St. Patrick’s Day

St Patrick's Day
Etsy

St. Patrick’s Day is coming up, and you know what that means — totally weird stuff for sale on Etsy.

It’s easy in all the excitement of parades to lose sight of what’s important on St. Patrick’s Day (drinking and cabbage) and get lost in the madness of trying to be the tackiest person at O’Malley’s Pub. If you’re not sure whether or not this is you, consult this list. If you already own or are planning on buying any of these handmade items, we regretfully inform you that you have lost control. And not in a too-many-pints kind of way. (If you must, click on the headlines below to purchase these questionable items.)


 
eyelashes
CatsMeow1940, Etsy

We're not 100% on this, but we're pretty sure gluing feathers to your eyes *isn't* traditionally part of St. Patrick's Day.

 
space slave dance costume
MariaLuck, Etsy

That's what we're calling it. The designer calls it "two-pieces green color sexy dance costume with rhinestones St. Patrick's day theme." We're sticking with Space Slave.

 
Michelle and Brad Roe, Etsy
Michelle and Brad Roe, Etsy

Because of all the Irish people in history to celebrate on St. Patrick's Day, why not pick the one who is a fictional character on a PBS period drama?

 

This is just a PDF file you can print out. Then you cut out the design and staple them over the tops of Ziploc bags full of Lucky Charms (you provide the Lucky Charms.) Just think, in the amount of time it took you to do all that, you could have made Irish soda bread.

 
crocheted top hat
amlowi, Etsy

Do NOT buy an over-sized, green crocheted top hat. You are not the guy from Jamiroquai. (If you are the guy from Jamiroquai, OMG HIII! Take a picture of yourself in this leprechaun hat and mail it to us. We assume you already have one.)

 
bra
LostGirlsOutlet

This might come in handy, if you need to perform in a belly dancing contest on St. Paddy's Day. Otherwise, no.

 
cupcake jar
OldTimeFavorites, Etsy

Frankly, we don't see the point of even having cake if you can't shove somebody's face into it. If we tried to dole these out to our family they would be all like "So do I smash the glass into the face too, or do we eat it with a spoon? What's going on here?"

 
cupcake soap
Kelly and Michelle, Etsy

We aren't sure what any of this has to do with St. Patrick's Day, except that there's a leprechaun who may or may not be Ziggy sticking out of the "frosting" on this "cupcake" that you can't even eat.

 
 

Nothing says "St. Patrick's Day" quite like a dog in a beret. Just kidding. Literally hundreds of things say "St. Patrick's Day" better than a dog in a beret.

 
hello kitty wine glass
SimplyDez, Etsy

Hello Kitty? Wine? The only thing that would make this okay is filling it with Bushmills and then smashing somebody's face into a jar cake.

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