St. Patrick's Day is coming up, and you know what that means -- totally weird stuff for sale on Etsy.

It's easy in all the excitement of parades to lose sight of what's important on St. Patrick's Day (drinking and cabbage) and get lost in the madness of trying to be the tackiest person at O'Malley's Pub. If you're not sure whether or not this is you, consult this list. If you already own or are planning on buying any of these handmade items, we regretfully inform you that you have lost control. And not in a too-many-pints kind of way. (If you must, click on the headlines below to purchase these questionable items.)

  • Big Green Fake Eyelashes

    CatsMeow1940, Etsy

    We're not 100% on this, but we're pretty sure gluing feathers to your eyes *isn't* traditionally part of St. Patrick's Day.

  • Green Space Slave Dance Costume

    MariaLuck, Etsy

    That's what we're calling it. The designer calls it "two-pieces green color sexy dance costume with rhinestones St. Patrick's day theme." We're sticking with Space Slave.

  • St. Patrick's Day Tom Branson Card

    Michelle and Brad Roe, Etsy

    Because of all the Irish people in history to celebrate on St. Patrick's Day, why not pick the one who is a fictional character on a PBS period drama?

  • St. Patrick's Day Treat Bag Topper

    This is just a PDF file you can print out. Then you cut out the design and staple them over the tops of Ziploc bags full of Lucky Charms (you provide the Lucky Charms.) Just think, in the amount of time it took you to do all that, you could have made Irish soda bread.

  • Adult Size Crocheted Leprechaun Hat

    amlowi, Etsy

    Do NOT buy an over-sized, green crocheted top hat. You are not the guy from Jamiroquai. (If you are the guy from Jamiroquai, OMG HIII! Take a picture of yourself in this leprechaun hat and mail it to us. We assume you already have one.)

  • Lucky St. Patrick's Day Shamrock Bra

    LostGirlsOutlet

    This might come in handy, if you need to perform in a belly dancing contest on St. Paddy's Day. Otherwise, no.

  • Green Velvet Cake in a Jar

    OldTimeFavorites, Etsy

    Frankly, we don't see the point of even having cake if you can't shove somebody's face into it. If we tried to dole these out to our family they would be all like "So do I smash the glass into the face too, or do we eat it with a spoon? What's going on here?"

  • St. Patrick's Day Cupcake Soap

    Kelly and Michelle, Etsy

    We aren't sure what any of this has to do with St. Patrick's Day, except that there's a leprechaun who may or may not be Ziggy sticking out of the "frosting" on this "cupcake" that you can't even eat.

  • Dog Beret

    Nothing says "St. Patrick's Day" quite like a dog in a beret. Just kidding. Literally hundreds of things say "St. Patrick's Day" better than a dog in a beret.

  • St. Patrick's Day Hello Kitty Wine Glass

    SimplyDez, Etsy

    Hello Kitty? Wine? The only thing that would make this okay is filling it with Bushmills and then smashing somebody's face into a jar cake.