14 Reasons You’ve Been Hidden From Everyone’s Facebook Feed
Recently I was scrolling through my Facebook feed and noticed how few people I actually get updates from. Granted, this is due in part to Facebook’s handy algorithm, which knows what is best for you so don’t question it.
In my case though, it’s also because I’m rather freewheeling with the option to hide people from my feed. That way I never have to see or think about them ever again, and they won’t send me another friend request three months down the line. *GULP* AWWWWWKWARD. Wonder if you’ve secretly been relegated to the shadows? Here are 14 quick ways to get yourself hidden from everyone’s feed.
You’re actually racist.
The only reason you haven’t been defriended by everyone is either because they, too, are racist, or they just want to see which events you RSVP to so they can plan their calendars accordingly.
You constantly post spoilers.
Yaaaaah, we’ll get back to you when there isn’t a TV show we care about on the air…so that gap between ‘Breaking Bad’ and ‘Game of Thrones,’ maybe? Not everyone gets to watch shows as they air. Consider being more considerate, or possibly having something more interesting happening in your life than crucial plot points of a TV show.
You’re running a marathon.
Well, sincerely congratulations from the bottom of my heart for undertaking such a gruelling physical task. Once you stop posting pictures of running shoes, sharing your RunKeeper stats and begging for money you’ll be welcomed back with open arms!
You “vaguebook” constantly.
Take a long look at your posting history. If it is primarily statements like “I just can’t,” “Not again,” and “LOL sometimes I think God’s testing me LOL,” essentially begging somebody to ask you what’s wrong, you’re done. It’s annoying.
You use Facebook for shameless self-promotion.
Alright comedian and actor friends, pester us every week to come to your show that’s at the same time and place every week, but if that’s ALL you do, it’s over between us. Also, handy fact: you can make Facebook automatically ignore invites from people.
You have a baby.
Congrats! Well, be seeing you in however long it takes for a person to stop posting incessant “Baby’s First ____” pics. So …18 years?
You have no filter.
Embarrassing personal details shared in a way that isn’t humorous should probably remain PERSONAL details, not something you blast out to all 2,400 of your Facebook friends. Also, terrifying pictures of the spider in your garden — what is wrong with you???
You’re a troll.
It’s amazing how much a newsfeed can shrink when election season rolls around.
We went to high school together.
Sorry. I only accepted your friend request to be polite. There’s a reason I haven’t tried to make any contact with you for the past 12 years.
You don’t have a life.
“Going to work.” “Watching TV.” “So bored, LOL.” Think of Facebook as a community of people you know. This is what you’re sharing with them.
You only use all caps.
Frankly, it doesn’t matter how amusing or intelligent you are. This gives everyone over the age of 17 a headache.
You only write hack-y, topical jokes.
Please, save it for the “Fallon packet” you’ve been talking about for the past two years.
You liveblog every single major television event.
Maybe some people are looking at Facebook because they *don’t* want to watch the Super Bowl. Or the Oscars. Or the Emmys. Or the Teen Choice Awards. Are you serious?? Why are you even watching that?
You seem to think nobody else in the world looks at Buzzfeed or Huffington Post.
You know when you go to the dentist’s office and all the magazines are always the same? That’s how our Facebook feed is sometimes. Did you know Buzzfeed and HuffPo and the NY Times and all the other sites you post links from have over 25 bazillion visitors every month?? Please, find stuff to share someplace else, because 99% of the time we’ve already seen it.