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Man Divulges His Deepest Darkest Secrets, Causes Online Obituary Sensation

Val Patterson Obituary
CBS News

It’s witty, it’s honest, it’s touching and it’s even got a hint of irony — get ready for the first ever online obituary sensation. In a candid commentary on his own life, Val Patterson reveals his true colors: a thief with a bogus doctorate and a lifetime ban from both Disneyland and SeaWorld San Diego.

Patterson, age 59, died of throat cancer on July 10th, but had penned his first-person obituary long in advance, now published in the Salt Lake Tribune. The piece begins by detailing Patterson’s passion for science, his love for his wife, and his life motto, “Anything for a Laugh.” However, after the first paragraph, the obituary takes a surprising turn:

As it turns out,” Patterson divulges, “I AM the guy who stole the safe from View Drive Inn back in June, 1971.”

And that’s not the only secret Patterson has to share. He reveals that his Ph.D. from the University of Utah was not legitimate, and that it had been sent to him in the mail due to a filing error.

In fact, Patterson had not completed high school, nor gained an undergraduate degree, and “never did even learn what the letters ‘PhD’ even stood for.” He quips, “For all the Electronic Engineers I have worked with, ‘I’m sorry, but you have to admit my designs always worked very well.”

Patterson’s list of shenanigans goes on. He confronts an unnamed “really mean park ranger,” confessing that he did indeed fill the park’s geyser with rocks. He also claims he was “banned for life” from both Disneyland and Sea World San Diego, but leave the reader to guess as to why.

Mary Jane, Patterson’s wife of 33 years, confirmed that everything her husband said was true. It certainly looks like Val got the last laugh!

Watch a news report on this bizarre story below.

 

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