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5 Features We Really Want the iPhone 5 to Have

Iphone 5
Justin Sullivan, Getty Images

With the internet whipped up in a considerable frenzy over the announcement of the iPhone 5 today, we’ve seen everyone and their brother speculating about Apple’s latest revolution in tech, and it has blown our minds in a collective technogasm.

For months, there has been buzz over an increased screen size, a more life-like retina display (similar to that of the latest iPad), and a newer charger dock the LA Times says might be called “Lightning.” While this is all well and good, we have our own list of hopes surrounding the latest iPhone, and really want them to be true. Here are five new features we hope can be found on iPhone 5.

5) Siri is now 33% less judgmental

We’ve all been there. “Siri, I’ve been drinking and I really need a late night burrito, where can I make that happen?” Despite lacking the requisite soul required to pass judgment on a carbon-based life form, Siri seems to have mastered the art of judgmental sarcasm. How many times have you asked Siri for something, and felt as if the machine staring back at you was rolling its eyes and scoffing? “I’m afraid I don’t understand” or “I’m afraid I can’t do that,” the robot replies. We’re hoping that things change, and while Siri might not be capable of giving us that list of restaurants in our area open for that 2am burrito craving, she can at least be a sport about her response.

4) iPhone 5 Secretes a Delicious Low-Fat Nougat

Let’s face it, we’re living in an age of multi-tasking and busy times. Americans are becoming more and more dependent on convenience when it comes to their diet, and waist sizes are ballooning. Enter iPhone. Wouldn’t it be great if the new phone offered an advanced app (note to Apple, we’d pay for this!) that secreted a delicious, low calorie, hunger-destroying nougat? Are we the only ones who want to see our candy-bar shaped phone become an actual candy bar?

3) iPhone 5 Comes Pre-Installed with Free “Nobody Cares!” App

Just because the new iPhone will make it faster and easier to share just about anything with THE ENTIRE WORLD doesn’t mean that you should. Enter the Nobody Cares! App.  The Nobody Cares! app is a revolutionary new boredom blocking device that will refuse to post status updates and photographs that none of your friends and social network colleagues give a flying fart about. Want everyone to see Instagram pictures of your brunch? Can’t do it, nobody cares! Need to brag about working out at a treadmill next to a contestant on a reality show from seven years ago? Nobody cares! Your friends will thank you for the upgrade.

2) Annoying Relative Blocker Technology Drops Calls You Don’t Want

Do you have a family member who calls at the most inopportune times? Have you ever been on a date with a person only to give them your number and become the target of crazy stalking? We’d love to see the latest iPhone 5 solve our problems! If the iPhone is so smart, shouldn’t there be technology that anticipates our desire (or lack thereof) to talk to an incoming caller, and a built-in mechanism for dropping the call before we accidentally pick up? That’s just forward thinking technology if you ask us!

1) iPhone 5 Technology Doesn’t Drop the Calls You Do Want

And finally, in a perfect world, the iPhone we can only dream about delivers as more than the coolest pocket gadget we’ve ever seen, but as a device that functions well in its intended purpose: a phone. If the iPhone can do the multitudes of incredible, awe-inspring things that we currently take for granted, why can’t it maintain our calls?

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