The Dumbest Criminals of 2013 (So Far)
Nothing makes us feel better on a bad day than reading about somebody really stupid and thinking “hey, at least we’re not that guy.” Maybe that makes us bad people, we don’t know. All we do know is that it’s funny when a drunk lady tries to outrun the cops by taking off her pants and hopping into a Power Wheels.
In case you’re also in need of a little self-esteem boost courtesy of the misfortune of others, here are some of the dumbest criminals of 2013 so far. Amazing how there have been so many in such a short period of time.
Pantsless Power Wheels Lady
Jamie Craft drunkenly drove a Trans-Am into the side of a mobile home, and then decided to escape the police by hopping into her son’s Power Wheels and slowly driving away. First she took off her pants, though. Remarkably, this happened in Arkansas, not Florida.
Thieves Foiled by Donkey
You’d think by now, everyone would know that donkeys do not make acceptable getaway cars. Apparently three Colombian thieves didn’t get the memo. Not only did they not get away with their crime — the donkey also ratted them out by braying loudly.
(Attempted) Lemur Smuggler
You can steal somebody’s pet lemur (if you’re a heartless monster), but if you try to ransom the little guy, don’t just show up with it and assume nothing is going to happen. This guy walked right into a trap he inadvertently set for himself. And also he stole a lemur.
Austin Lee Westfall Presler robbed a convenience store of a mini-party worthy of swag — snacks, cigarettes, beer and energy drinks. Apparently he couldn’t control his hunger until he got home though. Cops basically followed a trail of Cheetos right back to his porch. It seems he couldn’t handle the dangerously cheesiness of Cheetos after all.
Identity Theft Failure
By no means are we criminals (jaywalking makes us feel a twinge of guilt), but, for realsies, if you steal somebody’s wallet, don’t hand their ID back to them as if it’s your own when they wait on your table. Do *not* return the identity to the person from whom it was stolen. That’s just basic identity theft 101.
Jacob Cox Brown, 18, was so excited about driving drunk, crashing into somebody’s car and driving away without so much as leaving a note, that he had to post about it on Facebook. Never, ever do that. In fact, never do any of those things, but if you do, especially don’t do the Facebook part if you don’t want to get caught.
911 Cheeseburger Guy
Calling 911 to demand a police officer brings you a cheeseburger is pretty dumb. Calling 911 nine times to demand a cheeseburger is outrageously stupid. But calling 911 nine times to demand a cop brings you a cheeseburger when there’s a warrant for your arrest is so breathtakingly moronic that all we can do is give Gregory Jackson, Sr. a slow clap and a head shake. Good grief, sir.
French Kissing Mom
Ugh. Just icky icky yuck. We aren’t sure who the dumb criminal is in this story — the guy in prison who tried to have his mom sneak him Oxys by french kissing them to him, or the mom who actually did it. Both? Is both an option? Definitely both of them are the dumb criminal in this story. Gross.
Little Caesar’s Would-Be Robber
Like most of us have done at some point, Ryan Hopkins drunkenly stumbled into a Little Caesar’s. Unlike the rest of us, he then tried to rob the place (maybe he needed massive stacks of five dollar bills?). Fortunately (??) he was so drunk that when employees refused his demands and just told him to leave, he complied. He was later arrested for public intoxication. At least he looks happy in his mugshot.